Don Documento

Following the arc of the The Don’s classified document case is akin to being in the Marx Brothers movie, Coconuts. In this whacky film the action takes place in Florida at the Hotel de Cocoanut, a resort hotel, run by Mr. Hammer (Groucho) and his lazy assistant (Zeppo). Chico and Harpo are two crooks who plan to rob guests and fill their empty bags.

In the Mar-a-Lago version, Florida resort owner Donald Documento has boxes of classified documents and his conniving assistants conspire with him to hide them so they can cash in on them.

Cash in on them? Think about it. In an auction at Sotheby’s, how much would Kim Jung-un’s love letter sell for? 

We went from “what documents?” to “even if I took them (which I didn’t) the documents are mine because I am the great Donald, to in my head I declassified them so they must be declassified, so how could I have done something wrong because I believed they were declassified, to on a CNN town hall in New Hampshire admitting to taking the classified documents: “I didn’t make a secret of it,” The Don told moderator Kaitlan Collins. “You know, the boxes were stationed outside the White House, people were taking pictures of it.” (That statement effectively contradicts his own lawyers who have claimed the classified documents might have gotten inadvertently mixed up with other personal documents), to the newest turn, that surfaced in a recently revealed audio tape from 2021, where he acknowledges he held onto a classified Pentagon document about a potential attack on Iran undercutting his argument that he declassified everything. On the recording, Trump’s comments suggest he would like to share the information with the people he was with, but made it clear that he was aware of limitations on his ability post-presidency to declassify records.

Even the great sleight of hand wordsmith Groucho would have a hard time keeping up with the shifting narrative. But let’s give it a whirl and see how this escapade would unfold in the Marx Brothers universe:

Hotel Guest: Mr. Hammer, I am very distressed as I can’t seem to find my diamond necklace.

Groucho: You have a diamond necklace? That’s surprising because that neck of yours…

Hotel Guest: Mr. Hammer, I resent that.

Groucho: Don’t resent me, it’s your neck that you should resent!

Guest: Forget my neck.

Groucho: Gladly

Guest: What are you going to do about my missing necklace?

Groucho: You have a missing necklace? 

Guest: (exasperated) Mr. Hammer!

Groucho: Oh that’s right you have a missing necklace. Now let’s see. Umm. (He calls over Chico) Have you seen this charming lady’s necklace?

Chico: I no see it, but I look for it and if I find it, I’ll let you know. 

Groucho: He’s my best man. A real sloth, oops, I mean sleuth: If he can’t find it, no one can. I’ll tell you what Mrs. Neckworth, give us some time. I’m sure it will turn up. 

Guest: How will you find me?

Groucho: I’ll look for your lovely neck.

(Meanwhile, Chico goes into another room and takes the necklace out of a box.)

Groucho (to Chico): How’s the investigation of that necklace going?

Chico: Boss, it is going very well. I have the necklace in my special box. And like you said, whatever I take is okay because as soon as I take it, it is mine.

Groucho: That’s true, if you take it it becomes yours.

Chico: No, I take it and it no longer belongs to anyone else.

Groucho: Now that’s the mind of a real criminal. I like how you think. But remember, the necklace is ours.

Chico: But how can it be ours if its mine?

Groucho: How about we were about that later. You have more jewels to make yours.

Chico: Yes, boss.

Groucho: I knew I could count on you.

Chico: Hey Boss, what happens if the lady calls the police?

Groucho: Leave that to me. If they find it, we will pretend we had no idea how it got into the box. If they don’t believe that, we will tell them the necklace belongs to us because she gave it to us. But hopefully, we will sell it before they find it.

Chico: That’s why you’re the boss.

Groucho: Now go do some more sleuthing and find some more jewels. And bring that ring as there is someone I want to show it to who might be very interested in it.

Chico: Yes boss.

Groucho: And take that silent one with the fuzzy hair with you. And that reminds me, have you seen that guy play the harp?

Chico: Yes, boss. It hypnotizes me.

Groucho: Great minds think alike. If the police insist that we stole those jewels we just put him in front of the harp and let Harpo hypnotize them and convince them that there are no jewels.

Chico: Think that will work, boss? 

Groucho: Well, if it doesn’t we better run or else we will find ourselves behind bars. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t look good in orange.

Chico: I don’t like oranges either-too drippy.

Now that I’ve taken a turn at the Marx Brothers let me return to The Don and the newly surfaced recording which tells another disturbing tale of his disturbing narcissism and the danger he presents.

The meeting in which Trump discussed the Iran document with others happened shortly after The New Yorker published a story by Susan Glasser detailing how, in the final days of Trump’s presidency, Milley instructed the Joint Chiefs to ensure Trump issued no illegal orders and that he be informed if there was any concern. Trump went ballistic when he heard the story. The gall of anyone to report that the great Donald could be controlled by some idiotic military man. It was all nonsense!

What Glasser reported was that in the months following the election, Milley repeatedly argued against striking Iran and was concerned Trump “might set in motion a full-scale conflict that was not justified.” Just like The Don to start a war as a way of consolidating his power and declaring a national emergency to remain in power?

On the recording and in response to the story, Trump brings up the document, which he says came from Milley. Trump told those in the room that if he could show it to people, it would undermine what Milley was saying, the sources said. One source says Trump refers to the document as if it is in front of him.

Typical Don. Show outrage, yell foul, disseminate disinformation to discredit someone and in this case, even flaunt a document (classified at that!) as proof of the truth. Do you think Mark Milley would make this up?

The fascinating and scary thing revealed in this anecdote is what The Don is willing to do, not only to preserve his power, but to preserve his image. That a military man could have power over him was unthinkable. Reading about this humiliated him, which then activated his grandiosity to compensate for how small he truly feels. His compulsive, desperate need to re-establish his invincibility was greater than his fear of criminal accountability, as he ended up making an incriminating recording that could lead to his prosecution.

What would Groucho have to say about it all?

Groucho: I’ve seen oranges that aren’t as orange as you. Unlike me, who is scramming out of this Florida joint, you would look great in one of those orange jump suits!

The walls are closing in.