The day before The Don’s historic mugshot, the Grand Offal Party sent out its motley crew of presidential candidates for their first debate. Though The Don decided to ditch the event for a softball interview on X (formally Twitter) with Tucker Carlson, he loomed large. That the man takes up so much space, even when he isn’t present, reflects his stranglehold on the Republican Party.
When asked about climate change, beside Nikki Haley, the boys deflected. Boy wonder Vivek Ramaswamy called it out as a hoax. Then again it takes a hoax (that’s you Vivek!) to call out a hoax when it sees one.
Riveting issues like the lyrics of a popular country music song and UFO’s were hotly debated but all ears were waiting to hear the moderators bring up the man leading in the polls, who had just recently been indicted for the fourth time and preparing to make an appearance at the Fulton County Jail in Atlanta, where he would be fingerprinted, booked and receive his very own mugshot. As they say: You can’t make this shit up!
And that moment came when one of the Fox News moderators asked the candidates to raise their hands if they would support The Don if he was convicted of criminal charges. Come on boys and a girl, raise your hands if you want a convicted criminal in the White House? Isn’t that just so sweet? Raise Your Hands? As I said: You can’t make this shit up?
Besides Asa Hutchinson and Chris Christie, avowed anti-Trumpers, the other six hands shot up. Here’s my idea of what each of the candidates would have said if they had to explain their choice.
Mikey-Call My Wife Mother-Pence: I am proud of what our administration accomplished. And except, for the blip of almost being lynched, I am all in. I conferred with Jesus Christ my savior and he advised me to forgive the man for his transgressions.
Ron DeSatanist: I would wholeheartedly support him. He has done great things. He is the victim of the weaponization of the Department of Justice. I think I can do what he does but better and with a lot less of the crazy. So he is more entertaining and I have no personality. God if I have to hear one more time: ‘Ron will you smile? No, a real smile!”, “Ron, can you stop scaring the children?”. Fucking people want to send me to charm school. This is fucking ridiculous. (Not knowing the mic was still on he muttered: I hope that motherfucker rots in prison, then the presidency is mine!)
Vivek Ramaswamy: If Trump spawned a child of color it would be me. I have his charisma, his flair for being provocative, can entertain an audience and convince people I know everything, even when I don’t know it. If Republicans could get past the brown skin, I can make this country great again. But if Trump wins I’ve got his back. And the vice presidency wouldn’t be too bad a consolation prize and then I am set up for the presidency in 2028.
Nikki Haley: I don’t agree with everything he does or frankly how he does it, but if it comes down to him being the nominee I’m all in. And we’ve talked. Secretary of State isn’t a bad consolation prize.
Tim Scott: Lindsey Graham told me if I spurn him I’m a dead duck.
Other guy: Aw shucks, did you have to ask that question?
What more needs to be said about the Grand Offal Party: Six candidates for the job of the most powerful a man in the world indicted four times on 91 counts. I imagine if I asked these same people if they would want someone to be their child’s teacher with this resume they would all say: “Are you out of your freaking mind? I don’t want a criminal near my child. But a president, that’s a different story!”
But what about that mugshot? What about NUMBER: 2313827.
Three cheers for Fani Willis and the state of Georgia for insisting The Don be treated like every other citizen in this country.
When I first saw the mugshot I actually laughed. On the surface it appears menacing, but sometimes, when you try so hard to project a certain image, you become such a caricature of what you are projecting that you become absurd. You become a cartoon character.
Jesse Watters on “The Five” on Fox News disagrees with me. Here was her reaction to the mugshot: “I say this with an unblemished record of heterosexuality. He looks good, and he looks hard.” Hey Jesse, how hard and in what way? Did you need to take a cold shower after seeing it?
It is not news that The Don is obsessed with how he looks. Rumor has it that the only people riding in the car to the prison were his makeup artist and acting coach. Rumor also has it that he was consulting Putin during the days up to the booking seeking advice on the art of looking menacing. Putin told The Don “If you have to make yourself look menacing then you aren’t menacing. Menacing is shooting down a plane and killing someone who betrays you and then smirking when someone asks you if you did it. I love you Donald, but you’re always going to be a wannabe.”
As far back as 2016, The Don was complaining about photos of him that NBC had used, especially one that he said showed him with a double chin. In 2017 he tweeted about a CNN book: “Hope it does well but used the worst cover photo of me!” In 2020, when a snap of him on the White House lawn with his hair blown back in the wind went viral. He railed: “More Fake News. This was photoshopped, obviously, but the wind was strong and the hair looks good? Anything to demean!”
He recently went off the rails about Fox News using photos of him with a double chin and making him look orange. “They purposely show the absolutely worst pictures of me, especially the big ‘orange’ one with my chin pulled way back.” Some suggested he spurned the first debate because of the photos Fox used of him.
The double chin thing seems to really get to him, that’s why he is always sticking his chin out. Rumor has it that he shuns all forms of exercise, but has a chin trainer work with him multiple times a week to maintain his look.
After the mugshot, his team was primed to turn the event into a fundraiser. The Don posted a link to his website and a photo of his mugshot in his first new post on X since he was banned after January. 6. 2021. “Never surrender!” the caption under the mug shotread. Coffee mugs with his mugshot were a hot item. Imagine looking at that face while drinking your morning Joe. I’ll leave that to your imagination.
It is well known that The Don thinks that Clint Eastwood was the greatest movie star ever. He is good at playing the badass dude and has that “don’t fuck with with me look” that he made famous in “Dirty Harry” when he said “Go ahead, make my day?” All that to say, Hey Don, your mugshot made mine!
The Grand Offal Party 