They Shoot Dogs, Don’t They?

The January 1973 issue of The National Lampoon Magazine featured this iconic cover: “If You Don’t Buy This Magazine We’ll Shoot this Dog!” Nice marketing trick, don’t you think? People love dogs: the idea of killing them is abhorrent to all but the few. (Though if I get another dog video from someone, I might start a movement to “Shoot the messenger and give the dogs a break!

I guess Governor Kristi Noem of South Dakota is one of the few. In her soon to be released memoir, she revealed that she did kill her dog. An avid hunter, the self- identified shooter wrote that she had hoped to train her dog Cricket (such a sweet name) to hunt pheasant, but that she proved “untrainable… “dangerous to anyone she came in contact with” and “less than worthless” as a hunting dog… “I hated that dog,” (Wasn’t spending more time training the dog another solution?) To those comments I say: a lot of people in this country hate you and see you as dangerous to democracy. Are we allowed to shoot you?  

What kind of covers would National Lampoon create if it were still in existence today?

I KILLED the F…ING Dog, so Who Cares about the Magazine!

I Killed My Dog for the Vice Presidency. So Shoot me.

WTF? They Shoot Dogs, Don’t They? (Remember the movie: “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”

The shooting was witnessed by a construction crew. One hopes that a few members of the construction team at least grimaced? Given how out of control this country is about gun rights, I am depressed to say that some might have given her high fives. “You show’em who’s boss, Kristin. Man, don’t fuck with that women. She’s crazy as a rabid dog.” 

And what about her daughter who got off the school bus that day and asked: “Where’s Cricket?” Wonder what that conversation was like, so let’s take try to recreate one:

Kristi: Honey, I know you loved Cricket, but I had to kill her because she was eating our chickens. 

Girl: Mom, where’s Cricket?

Kristi: Honey, I shot him.

Girl: (Sobbing) You what?

Kristi: She was a pain in the ass and she ate our chickens? Nobody eats our chickens but us. It’s a dog eat dog world out there.

Girl: (Sobbing) What? You fed Cricket to another dog?

Kristi: Oh no sweetie, don’t be silly. It’s just a way of saying it’s a tough world out there and you got to make sure that anything that is problem, that makes your life difficult, is taken care of…oh and honey, if you notice we are missing a goat. Killed that one, too. Such an evil goat.

Girl: (Sobbing) You killed the goat?

Kristen: As I said, we can’t be having no problems. You need to be strong and decisive. Too much evil in the world. I need to protect you from danger.

Girl: But animals aren’t evil. They are animals. People are evil. I hate you, You are evil. How could you kill my dog!

Kristin: Now honey, watch what you say. Hold that dark tongue of yours..

Girl: What? You gonna kill me, too? Did you ever think about How I might feel? I loved that puppy!

K: Watch that evil. Watch that dark tongue. That’s the sign of someone that is untrainable.

The response from the political community was swift. Condemnation from both Democrats and some Republicans was a rare sign of bipartisanship. However, knowing Republicans tolerance for cruelty, I have no doubt that asked if they would support her as vice president candidate that many would say “of course; why not?”

That’s the Republican way. Look at William Barr, who rejected The Don because of his attempt to overturn the results of the election. Well, um, not so fast. During an interview, when asked if he would vote for The Don, guess what he said? And what about Mitch McConnell. Ditto for him.

Democracy be damned. All that matters is power. The Supreme Court’s finagling with a slam dunk case regarding The Don’s claim that president’s should have full immunity, colludes with his attempts to neuter the rule of law. As far a as I am concerned, all the conservative justices should be tried for treason for obstructing justice and helping a wannabe self-proclaimed dictator become president.

But back to the “identified shooter.” What kind of judgment does this dog murderer possess that she thinks it was a badge of honor to share her Cricket killing story? Did anyone say “Um, Kristi, we understand where you are coming from, but maybe, just maybe, from a political point of view, this isn’t the greatest idea?”. Maybe someone did say that to her, and her response was: “This shows Americans that I am a real American; I am a no- mess- around woman. Not some weak touchy feely, commie abortion loving, America hating Kamala.”

For Noem, revealing that she killed her dog, is something to aspire to. She’s expressing her gansterhood ass-kicking defier of convention ready to do anything to show them that norms and rules are made to be broken. Don’t mess with South Dakota!

Recently The Don, has been trying out a new campaign angle by identifying with the likes of Al Capone and Jesse James. Lawlessness as aspirational and sexy. Someone who will do what it takes to get what needs to be done for the American people. If that means rounding up immigrants, with the use of the military, and killing some in the process, so be it. Rounding up his political enemies and prosecuting them is justice and necessary to dismantling the deep state. And that leads back to Kristi Noem. She knew it would send shock waves through the country to tell us about her cruelty. She wanted to show off her ganster creds to The Don. She wanted to The Don that she would be the kind of vice president he wants and needs. Not afraid to kill her dog, not afraid to do what is necessary. Put your hands up America or I’ll shoot!