Conehead Chorus

Dear Friends,

I am requesting your presence at an event I am being forced to attend. Unfortunately, the venue is not what you have come to expect from a billionaire like me. It’s dark, cold, and clammy. It’s ruining my tan. No pools, golf course, chandeliers, or champagne at this depressing place. However, your presence is a statement of your patriotism, just like the hostages in prison as a result of their beautiful actions on January 6th. And there is more good news. New York Pizza will be served for lunch with as much Diet Coke as you can handle. Warning: If you eat it with a knife and fork like I do, left wing commie New Yorkers will try to humiliate you. 

Is there a dress code? Yes there is. Enclosed is a photo of what you should be wearing. I am calling it: Dress for American Greatness. I know you all have busy schedules, but I think you know what your priorities are. After all, your goal in congress is to do nothing until I am president, so your absence from Washington is a symbol of your loyalty to the cause.

Look forward to seeing you. If you decide not to come, well…you know what to expect. And it ain’t going to be  pretty.

Your King,

Donald Trump

P.S. I am working on your comments and they will be distributed to you when you arrive. Some will be individual statements and some will be said together, chorus style.

P.P.S. In honor of our supreme Supreme Court Judge Samuel Alito, a true patriot, I will be distributing American flag pins to wear upside down on your lapels. 

Upside down flag pins that are a symbol of the “Stop the Steal” movement? Can you imagine a Supreme Court Judge, ultimate defender of the rule of law, hanging an American flag upside down outside his home? Well, Ginny Thomas, wife of Justice Clarence Thomas, participated in the overturning of the election, so bring on the upside down flag.

When asked about the presence of the flag, which appeared soon after January 6th,  Justice Alito blamed his wife. That makes sense. After all, she’s an independent woman, entitled to her free speech. She was angry about an anti-Trump sign and some harsh words about her politics and wanted to fight back. In her heart, she believed the election was stolen. And you had nothing to do with it? She did it behind your back? Never mentioned it? You can’t believe she did that, right? Come on Sammy. How stupid do you think the American people are? 

Do you really expect people to believe that you didn’t know what was happening? Let’s give you the benefit of the doubt and say you were unaware that she displayed the upside down flag. You want us to believe that everyday when you arrived home you didn’t notice it? Oh, your wife would meet you at the driveway and cover your eyes as you got out of your car and tell you that she had a surprise for you? Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, you are full of shit. 

How about some other potential excuses.

You always enter your house through an underground tunnel and the dirt on your pants proves it. 

You were told that you must walk backwards into your home and were threatened, that if  you turned to look at your house, you would be turned into a pillar of salt like Lot’s wife Sarah. 

The sun blinded you every time you entered your house. 

Your wife greeted you at the car each day and said: Honey, let’s play “Blind Man’s Bluff” or “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” or maybe something a little more kinky than that?

In the “greatest country and democracy in the world,” we have two Supreme Court Justices who are undermining the very democracy they are sworn to defend. We have members of the House of Representatives and Senators standing in front of a courthouse attacking and undermining the legal system.

Introducing the Conehead Chorus featuring Republican stars and wannabes Speaker Mike Johnson; Senators J.D. Vance and Rick Scott; Gov. Doug Burgum of North Dakota; Texas’ attorney general, Ken Paxton;  Vivek Ramaswamy all dressed in The Don’s dark suit and red ties.

The Don was very shrewd. Since he was under a gag-order, he had his sycophants do his bidding. His directing them to do this also represents a violation of the gag-order, but the judge has decided not to act on this in service of moving the trial forward. 

In honor of The Don, the Conehead Chorus presented themselves outside the courthouse and recited their lines. Rumor has it that part of what they were asked to sing were a few stanzas from the song “I’m Your Puppet.”

Pull the string and I’ll wink at you, I’m your puppet

I’ll do funny things if you want me to, I’m your puppet

I’m yours to have and to hold

Darling you’ve got full control of your puppet

Pull another string and I’ll kiss your lips, I’m your puppet

Snap your finger and I’ll turn you some flips, I’m your puppet

Listen, your every wish is my command

All you gotta do is wiggle your little hand

I’m your puppet, I’m your puppet– (add whole song video

But The Don reneged on that as even he realized that was a bridge too far. However, rumor has it that Speaker Mike Johnson had hired a singing coach to help him with the song.

Here are some choice statements by some of America’s lawmakers standing outside the courtroom:

“We’re watching the persecution of a patriot,” said Rep. Diana Harshbarger, R-Tenn. “What a price to be a patriot President Trump has paid.”

Matt Gaetz called it the “Mr. Potato Head doll of crimes” where the prosecutors had to “stick together a bunch of things” to make a case. To that I say, Matt, you should be as smart as Mr. Potato Head.

Here’s Mike Johnson: “President Donald Trump is on trial for one reason and one reason only: to interfere with our election. Democrats are weaponizing the justice system. 

Senator  J.D. Vance echoed Trump’s pre-gag order attacks against Marchant’s daughter. “The judge inside, his daughter is making millions of dollars running against Donald Trump, raising money for Trump’s political opponents.” Other lawmakers joined in attacking the judges daughter.

The Conehead Chorus was instructed to sing to the tune of the “National Anthem:”

Oh say can you see, by the dawn’s early light,

That the daughter, that she, is a god ugly sight.

And the money pours in and the judge pockets some,

And the Dems, they grow rich, while our leader gets none.

Suddenly, the voice coach yells out: “Stop. This is awful. You are so out of tune. I can’t take it. Now let’s take it from the top. I have an idea”, the coach says, “how about half of you sing this, and the other half sing ‘I’m Your Puppet’? How cool would that be?”. Mike Johnson raises his hand.
“Yes, Mr. Speaker?”
“Can I sing lead on ‘I’m Your Puppet’?”
The voice coach replies: “Mr. Speaker, I’m afraid not, as you are tone deaf and can’t lead anything.”

A juicy extra.

Last week, Rudy G was suspended by WABC radio and had his daily talk show canceled for refusing to heed repeated warnings to stop spreading nutty election-fraud conspiracy theories. This was one of the former mayor’s last remaining sources of income. And to put a cherry on top of Rudy G’s really, really bad week, he was served an indictment by the Arizona attorney General for election interference at his 80th birthday party. (I wager that he had to pay people to show up!)