After The Don and Putin emerged from their pow-wow, The Don gave us nothing but obfuscation and double talk. “Many points were agreed to, and there are just a very few that are left.” Those words gave little comfort. Knowing The Don’s desire to inflate and celebrate his accomplishments, had there been any, he would have trumpeted them.
As for Putin, he made sure to flatter The Don by supporting The Don’s belief that Russia would have never invaded Ukraine if he was president at the time. He also made it clear that “a fair balance in the security sphere in Europe and the world as whole must be restored.”
In other words, his demands regarding Ukraine haven’t changed. In his usual cagey way, he said an agreement could be reached only once the “primary roots” of the conflict were “eliminated.” Umm, what did that mean? My understanding is that “primary roots” refers to a time when Ukraine was part of Russia. In that case, Ukraine doesn’t exist and Russia is just taking back what is theirs. Ukraine has no valid sovereignty, so Russia’s actions are necessary and not hostile; it is Ukraine that is the hostile actor by claiming they are an independent entity.
Putin’s touchdown in the U.S. was a total victory for him. After years of being ostracized by the West, he returned to American soil for the first time in a decade, welcomed by American fighter jets, a red carpet and a ride in the Beast, Mr. Trump’s armored car. As Putin walked to the red carpet, The Don clapped a few times which brought a smile to Putin’s face. Come on everyone, let’s all put our hands together and give it up for a sociopathic murderer and international war criminal!
The Don has been preoccupied with Putin for a long time. On numerous occasions he has stated that he “had a fantastic relationship with President Putin.” For a number of decades, The Don has sought to create business opportunities in Russia. Back in 2013, when he brought the Miss Universe contest to Russia he attempted to drum up interest in the event, posting on social media, “Do you think Putin will be going to The Miss Universe Pageant in November in Moscow — if so, will he become my new best friend?” During the follow up meeting with Zelensky and European leaders there was a hot mike moment where he said that Putin wanted to make a deal for him. Yes Don, Putin wants you to get a Nobel Prize, too. He just loves you that much.
After their meeting the response from Moscow was celebratory.
“I didn’t expect such a good result,” Aleksandr Dugin, a geopolitical theorist, said on Telegram. “I congratulate all of us on a perfect summit. It was grandiose. To win everything and lose nothing, only Aleksandr III could do that,” he added, referring to the reactionary 19th-century czar who overturned the liberal reforms of his father.
Andrei Klishas, a nationalist senator who after the start of all-out war in Ukraine in 2022 said Russia should have contacts with the West only “through binoculars and gun-sights,” said that the summit had “confirmed Russia’s desire for peace, long-term and fair” and left it free to carry out the special military operation “by either military or diplomatic means…a new architecture of European and international security is on the agenda, and everyone must accept it.”
The meeting a few days later with Zelensky and other European leaders did little to assuage. At some point in the meeting, The Don excused himself and called Putin to update him on what was happening. It was like he was a contestant on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire asking for a lifeline.
So maybe there is progress, or maybe it’s all smoke and mirrors, but it seems Putin is running rings around The Don and playing him like the fool he is. Meanwhile the Russians have escalated their attack on Ukraine, inflicting more casualties and damage. The Don could stop this by showing strong military support for Ukraine, but he won’t because he believes negotiating a deal will get him a Nobel prize. This is all a vanity project for him. He has no interest in the lives of the Ukrainians or their sovereignty; all he cares about is the prize.
Much has focused on the in person meeting between The Don and Putin but little about their ride in the Beast when they were all alone. I thought it would be fun to imagine that conversation.
The Don: Vlad, it’s been a while since Helsinki. You know, I took a lot of heat for backing you. Went against my own intelligence.
Putin: What intelligence, Donald?
The Don: Our intelligence.
Putin: So not your intelligence then.
The Don: What are we talking about, Vlad?
Putin: Umm, So how’s Melania? She is such a beautiful woman.
The Don: Between me and you Vlad, she’s cold as a fish. Don’t see her much.
Putin: In Russia we say “She’s as cold as Siberia”.
The Don: (laughs) You Russians do have a way with words.
Putin: We sure do. After all, we have Tolstoy, Doestoyevsky, Pushkin, and Gogol.
The Don: I didn’t know that a guy from Russia created Google.
Putin (Chuckles) All great things come from Mother Russia.
The Don: Vlad, you got to tell me what’s with the Mother thing?
In the U.S. that would be considered weak. In America we are all about the father, male dominance. How else do you think someone accused of sexual assault could become president?
Putin: Accused? I thought you were convicted?
The Don: It was all a hoax. Never happened. The one who said I did it was a cold fish from Siberia. I would never go near her. She’s delusional.
Putin: (Laughs) Look at you speaking Russian. Absolutely a hoax, just like the crazy stuff about us interfering in your elections.
The Don: Don’t get me started on that one. Hey, can you do me a favor?
Putin: For you Donald, anything.
The Don: When we have our press conference, in which we will say nothing, can you repeat that for the world to hear? And while you’re at it, can you throw in how if I was president you never would have started the war?
Putin: Consider it done. And for me Donald, what will you do for me?
The Don: What would you like Vlad?
Putin: It’s simple. There will be no mention of a war in Ukraine in our meeting?
The Don: Come on Vlad. We’ve got to talk about the war in Ukraine. Isn’t that why we are meeting?
Putin: So how are you holding up over the Epstein thing?
The Don: No Vlad, no, no no, please don’t go there? You promised you would never…
Putin: So are we going to talk about the war in Ukraine?
The Don: What’s Ukraine?
(The both break out laughing giving each other high-fives.)
Putin: Very good question. When we get to the meeting I’ve got some maps to show you that will help you understand it all. All I can say now, is after you look at my maps, you’ll finally understand what Ukraine is, that there is no Ukraine-there is just Russia.
The Don: Very cool. Can’t wait to see those maps.
Vlad: Donald, you’re the best. America is so lucky to have you.
The Don: That means a lot coming from you. I admire how you have total control over your country.
Putin: And look at you. You are a great student of our playbook. It is very impressive. And to achieve some of this so quickly. You are unlike anyone else.
The Don: I’m actually tearing up, Vlad. Not something I do.
Putin: We do admire each other so much. We are brothers.
The Grand Offal Party 