The Don was basking in the glory of his achievement of helping to broker a deal to get the Israeli hostages released. That of course was not enough for him. He just couldn’t stop himself from trolling the Nobel Prize Committee. “We have Norway. Oh, Norway, aye aye aye! Norway, what happened? Norway, what happened?” Rumor has it that he called the chair of the committee and asked him to change their vote and give him the prize. Remember when The Don asked Brad Raffensperger for 11,800 votes to change the results in Georgia?
The Don did receive a phone call from the winner Maria Corina Machado, who thanked him for his support in her struggle against Venezuelan leader, Nicholas Madura. The Don was expecting her to tell the committee that it was him who deserved it, but she didn’t. Rumor has it that after the genial conversation he was furious.
After all, The Don was preparing his Nobel Prize speech in advance, only to discover they didn’t choose him.
The tantrum in the White House must have been one of those made for TV movements. Flying objects! Shoes? Paper weights? Burgers and fries? If it was a Clint Eastwood movie, it would be called “The Vile, the Venomous, and the Venal.”
Rumor has it that he asked for the names of the people on the committee and told Kash Patel and Pam Bondi to put them on his enemies list. The Don ranted that his attack dogs would dig up dirt on all the committee members and make their life a living hell. Something about bags of money given to the committee. Oh right, that was Tom Holman, who is on camera taking money from an F.B.I. agent.
Here is my imagined rant:
Don’t they fucking know who I am? I could turn Norway into Nowhere. Clever, right? Norway to Nowhere. Don’t they see what I’m doing in America? Making our great country safe. Masked men taking dark skinned people off the streets. Can’t they see how safe I am making the world? Blowing up boats from Venezuela carrying drug dealers. These are bad hombres. I am the Sheriff of the world. Can’t they see that? And we are indicting awful people- criminals, all of them. Comey is already indicted; Tushy James too; and I’m coming for you “shifty” Schiff.
There are so many more who will get their comeuppance for fucking with our democracy. I mean really, I had to incite an insurrection on Jan 6th, 2020 to fight for our freedom. Just so you know, we have files on all the Nobel committee members and your families. Check your social media accounts, people. Sorry, but death threats are just the beginning. You have rattled the MAGA monster who were preparing parties all over the nation to celebrate my prize. I do seek peace, but grave injustice can’t account for my MAGA family. They get pissed when they feel I have been treated unfairly and disrespected. And your lack of vision in your choice was a real punch to the gut. I just got Hamas to release the remaining hostages. A peace plan is unfolding. I’m like Moses with his staff performing miracles. And you dissed me for some Venezuelan gal. Goddam it. I’m blowing their boats up and you give someone from their country the Nobel. If she was in the U.S. we would deport her to an African country. Makes me think that The Nobel prize is rigged. Yes, another thing that is rigged against me. I did tell my speech writer that if I didn’t get it, it was because it was rigged. Just like the 2020 election that was stolen from me. I won that race. Stolen. That’s right, it was stolen from me. The award was totally stolen and is illegitimate. We are releasing a statement to that effect in a few moments. Americans will know the truth about you and rejoice when I accept the legitimate prize. I just love prizes. I’ll hang it next to all my golf championship trophies. Put a frame of gold around it. After all, if I stand for anything, I stand for peace.
As for the winner of the prize, María Corina Machado, was instrumental in building a powerful social movement challenging the country’s authoritarian president and has been living in hiding since last year. The Nobel Committee praised “her tireless work promoting democratic rights for the people of Venezuela, and for her struggle to achieve a just and peaceful transition from dictatorship to democracy.”
The Don just found that reasoning preposterous as he is trying to make the world safe by promoting dictators like Victor Orban, Vladimir Putin and Recep Erdogan. The committee has it backward. Democracy is only possible when I decide wh has rights and who doesn’t. We have a lot of radical and terrible people in this country who threaten our democracy who shouldn’t have rights. In the service of Making America Great Again, I will make sure they don’t.
I conclude with this video of the Nobel chairman answering a question about the Don’s relentless canvassing for the prize.
The Grand Offal Party 