Jack Sparrow, the swashbuckling pirate in “Pirates of the Caribbean,” played by Johnny Depp, has returned for its newest iteration. This one is called: “The Venezuelan Escapade.” Audiences may be disappointed that in this film Depp has exchanged his pirate outfit for military fatigues, his iconic red head piece for a helmet and his ship for a helicopter.
When asked by an interviewer from a Hollywood tabloid whether his audience will embrace the radical changes Depp speaking as Sparrow said:
“Fuck yeah. Let’s face it, if pirates of old had helicopters instead of ships, plundering would have been a helluva lot easier. No ridiculous sword fights and aye-aye captain, no stupid talking parrots sitting on seaman’s shoulders. And most importantly, back in the day, when you entered a ship, you had no idea what kind of riches there were; sometimes it was mostly junk. Now oil tankers, that’s black gold. No doubts about what the worth of that booty is. So as I said: Fuck yeah, helicopters rule and ships drool. Though one good thing about them aye-aye captain days was there were no stupidrules of engagement. You saw something and you just pillaged it. These days there are just too many laws, dos and don’ts; but now our Plunderer-in- Chief took over and let us loose. Hey look, the guy running things in America is a schmuck, but he has liberated us pirates. In some ways, he is the greatest pirate of them all; and I don’t just mean snatching oil tankers in the Caribbean.
Interviewer: What do you mean?
Sparrow: Are you kidding me, man? What do I mean? The man plunders from everyone and everything. He’s kind of a genius of plundering.
Interviewer: Can you be more specific?
Sparrow: The guy got another country to give him a $400,000 plane without doing a thing. No swashbuckling battles, bodies over board, or silly walking-the-plank stuff. He got media companies, who were just doing their jobs, to pay him money so he wouldn’t go after them. He had law firms promise millions of dollars of pro-bono work for his causes by threatening their firm’s access to the White House, which would totally fuck them up. He gets the richest people in the world to suck up to him. He has got companies like Nvidia giving the government 10% of the profits in sales to China. If you believe that money is going only into the government coffers and not his pocket I have a map of a sunken treasure to sell you! Look at those tech dudes sitting in the front rows during his inauguration. In pirate terms he is saying, “give me what I want matey, or you’ll be walkin’ the plank”. The equivalent for me in the old pirate world is the captain of another ship welcoming me on board, handing me the loot without a fight in exchange for not sinking his ship. The dude is fierce; he’s a pirate exemplar.
Interviewer: And his family…
Sparrow: Kushner is starting business deals all over the world. His boys are crypto corrupting. And there is no stopping them. Other lawmakers are scared of him and the people around him are making money like crazy.
Interviewer: What do you think about the fact that he’s decorated the oval office with gold and is building a ballroom while families don’t have enough money to eat and will lose the capacity to afford healthcare because his…
Sparrow: If you are a pirate, it’s just about you and your men. Let’s be real here: it’s the American way. If it wasn’t, would 40 million people live below the poverty line? You can’t be soft if you are going to rule the seas.
Interviewer: What do you think of his recent comments that the economy is “A plus”, that the issue of affordability is a hoax.
Sparrow: Let’s face it, man. People in power couldn’t give a fuck about affordability for the average American. The president is just following the rules that are woven into the fabric of this country. Money and power are everything. No one gives a shit about the mother who can’t afford diapers for their newborn. To quote a few lyrics lyric from a James Brown song: “shake your money maker’ and “I got mine ‘n’ don’t worry ’bout his.” Remember his statement about maybe you just get two pencils or just two dolls?
Interviewer: Yep
Depp: Well, maybe you need to reuse some of those diapers.
Interviewer: That’s totally gross.
Sparrow: When you are a pirate, all bets are off. Got to get that booty, no matter what you have to do to others. History will show that this president was one of the greatest plunderers of all time. He may be the first person to ever be voted in unanimously to the Plunderer Hall of Fame.
The Grand Offal Party 