The Super Bowl is over. Congrats to the Seahawks smothering defense. So nice to see you lose Robert Kraft, you, who donated seven million dollars to the production of “Turning Point U.S.A.’s Super Bowl alternative halftime show. You make me sick to my stomach. Somebody should have force fed you the 5 pound $180 burger being sold at the game!
Every once in a while I like to go wild and create my version of the weave, better known as The Don’s free association gibberish. Though the Super Bowl is over I thought it would be fun to create one that started the night before the game. Here goes (The words in quotes are actual quotes.)
I don’t know about you, but to hell with Bad Bunny. Bad Bunny is a bad hombre. At halftime, while I’m licking the chicken wings and Doritos off my orange fingers, I will be watching Oan TV, ready to pray, boogie down to Kid Rock and say the Pledge of Allegiance to attest to my love of America. Thank you to my buddy Robert Kraft for bankrolling this amazing event where real Americans will have a place to call home.
I am the greatest Patriot ever. Well, okay, maybe tied with George Washington. I heard there will be a special performance of the Jan 6th heroes singing the National Anthem. Oh say can you see, you know, that song, such a great song. I think it won a Grammy, and has been listened to way more than any of Bugs Bunny’s songs. Mr. Krafty Kraft and I go way back. Had a few bumps in the road, but now we are besties, so I’m all for the Patriots.
And where the hell is Seattle anyway? The only thing I know about Seattle is that it rains practically everyday. Who could live in a place like that? How do you play golf? I asked someone what the hell a Seahawk was. Does it live in the sea, or does it fly? They told me a Seahawk is a large, fish-eating bird of prey. They are hunters, using rough, spiny foot pads and reversible outer toes to catch and hold slippery fish. I thought that’s kind of cool. Maybe we should use some of them to operate on land so they can catch those slippery murderers and rapists that we are deporting. Help out ICE to catch those banditos. Who knows, maybe if they do a good job we could replace the Eagle as the national bird.
So now I am confused about who to root for. Patriots seem the most straightforward, but those predator birds that can catch slippery fish, if you know what I mean, that’s downright patriotic as well. And look at the money we will save. The birds will just swoop down and pick up any non-white person on the street and drop them right into all the beautiful new detention centers rising up all over the country. Wouldn’t it be so funny if one of those Seahawks swooped down during the halftime show and just carried Bugs Bunny out of the stadium? People will think it is part of the act, but he never comes back. Wouldn’t you just love to see that? Now that’s funny bunnny stuff.
Anyway the Super Bowl, which I call the Stupid Bowl, is a waste of my time. In fact, I may have Pam Bondi investigate Roger Goodell. I’m sure he has some ghosts in his closet. The more I think about it, I think Goodell is an enemy of the people. He’s the Jerome Powell of sports. That man defies me by not ridding us of high interest rates and this Goodell guy defies me by bringing in the very people we are getting rid of in this country. What nerve. Bad Bunny and a cast of a thousand Puerto Ricans! He is singing in the language that we are trying to eradicate from our country. The nerve. We are picking up Bad Bunnies everday and getting them the hell out of our country to Make America Great Again, and the unpatriotic Goodell is putting the baddest bunny front and center of 125 million Americans. I’m calling Pam Bondi now.
Speaking of bad hombres and people we need to erase, this is Black History Month, which I celebrated by posting a video that includes the Obama’s as apes. Well, I didn’t post it, and I certainly won’t “apologize for it” but I must say it was a doozy! Now that’s some black history for you. According to some of my expert historians, the easiest way to change how people see American history is to convince people that Blacks are less than human. If we do that, then slavery and Jim Crow make sense, right? After all, it’s an unwanted story that brings shame to this great nation. According to my historians, Blacks as apes have been a theme in our history. Nothing new here.
For instance, in 1975, white teenagers harassed Black students desegregating a Boston public school with the chant “Two, four, six, eight, assassinate the ‘N’ apes.” (The full N word used in the chant.)
In 1906, a man born in what was then the Belgian Congo, Ota Benga, was displayed at the Bronx Zoo in a cage with an orangutan.
The zoo director at the time actually said:”When the history of the Zoological Park is written, this incident will form its most amusing passage.” A man after my own heart.
So you see I didn’t invent this stuff. You know, I’m just toying with the Obamas, even though Hussein got a Nobel Prize and I had to settle for sloppy seconds from that Machado woman. And the birther thing, well, Obama shouldn’t have made fun of me at the National Correspondence Dinner in 2011. And who knew that would lead me to the presidency, which I have won 3 times because the Biden thing was filled with fraud, which will soon be brought to light after we go through the Fulton County ballots that we took.
Even one of the great pastors of all times, Mark Burns, love Markie, who knows me so well, knows I wouldn’t do this. Wait, I’ve got his quote right here. He said that I “clearly and unequivocally did not post it”, and that I “understand the painful and racist history in America of depicting African Americans as apes, a tactic long used by white supremacists to demean Black intelligence and humanity.” In other words, as I have said before: I am the least racist person ever., Lincoln even that Frederick Douglas guy that gets talked about so much this month can’t hold a candal to me
Speaking of pastors, didn’t I hit it out of the park with my speech at the National Prayer Breakfast?So many great lines. They were coming to me as though I was God’s vessel. God and I are on the same side. He created Christianity and I am its great defender.
With me in charge, “churches are coming back stronger than ever;” because of me religion is “hotter than ever.” Before me “Christians couldn’t say “Merry Christmas” in public. I saved Christmas. I didn’t want to talk about 2020, but God was like, come on Donald the truth needs to be told. I was like, you sure God? It’s a prayer breakfast, but he insisted. So what else could I do? “They rigged the second election. I had to win it, had to win it. I needed it for my own ego. I would have had a bad ego for the rest of my life. Now I really have a big ego, though.” One more thing. God told me was that I should use his power vested in me to name things after myself. I should use my power to name things the way he did.
Kennedy Center, check. Institute of Peace, check. Warships, check. Ballroom, check. And Schumer is being a pain, but if they don’t name Penn Station after me the new tunnel connecting New York to New Jersey, will be kaput. And ole Chuckie Boy, you better get to work on changing the name of Dulles airport to Trump. Still working on getting the Washington Commanders new football stadium named after me. Still going to get Greenland and call it Trumpland. Wait till you see the beautiful arch we are building for our 250th birthday. The Arc d’ Triumph will become its poor step-sister. We are calling it the Arc d’ Trump. And soon we will unveil a 15-foot gilded statue, nicknamed Don Colossus, on the grounds my Doral golf complex in Florida. This naming of things is so much fun. I just walk around the White House at night making lists of things that will be named Trump.
That was a mouthful. What else to say but I am one badass hombre and he is one loser bunny.
The Grand Offal Party 