No Voting. No police reform. No legitimacy to elections. No to democracy. No to Climate Change. No to facts.
Yes, to vigilantism. Yes, to the “Big Lie.” Yes, to the January 6th as a picnic gone awry.
And what does this all add up to? The Grand Offal Party and the party of Trump.
The Republicans (who know the “Big Lie” is a “Big Lie”) continue to genuflect to the craven Trump; their need for power usurping any desire to protecting the integrity of our democracy.
For months we’ve waited anxiously for the big reveal to support the “Big Lie” from the recount in Maricopa County, Arizona. The Cyber Ninjas worked tirelessly with one purpose: Prove the vote there was tainted and that Trump actually won. The report (drum roll please) was finally released a few days ago. Turns out Joe Biden added a few more votes to his winning total. Pretty amazing don’t you think? You send people to change the results of an election and even they can’t do it! I will tell you one thing: I am not calling these people to fix any of my kitchen appliances.
I fear blood will spill in Cyber Ninja headquarters. Rumor has it that Trump flipped when he heard the result.
I imagine this conversation with his caddie on the golf course:
Trump: We are about to take back Arizona. This is the beginning of restoring Democracy.
Caddie: I hope so, my lord.
Trump: Wait, wait, wait. The info is being sent to me now. What? What the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? Sleepy Joe now has more votes? He has more fucking votes! How fucking stupid are those Ninjas? They are worse than that asshole from Georgia, Raffenberger. I asked him to get me one more vote than Joe and he said no! And these asshole ninjas not only didn’t get me the votes I needed, but they gave Biden more! It’s a fucking plot. It’s a socialist plot. I want an investigation of the Ninjas. Now!
Caddie: So sorry, my lord. These days no one knows how to do their job. The country is plagued with incompetence.
Trump: Don’t worry. This is just the beginning of my fight to reclaim my thrown. I’ve got my boy Abbot calling on recounts in Texas counties. Then we are doing it in Michigan and the state legislature in Pennsylvania are on the case.
Caddie: Exciting. But you won Texas, my lord. So, why there?
Trump: We need to sow doubt. We need to keep the movement to save democracy going. As long as there are investigations, it will be in the news and people will stay pumped. Damn, I may have them do it in West Virginia, and I won that state by 40 points! You get it?
Caddie: Ah, challenge the entire process of voting. Make people question the validity of any election.
Trump: Except Republicans that I pick win!
Caddie: Of course. Such genius. Fuck democracy. The people will chant: We want Trump. We want Trump! But my lord, are you concerned about Biden handing over documents regarding January 6th to the committee?
Caddie: Are you concerned about subpoenas being serve to Bannon and Meadows?
Caddie: Glad to see you are so confident about that. But it could get hairy.
Caddie: My lord, don’t mean to be annoying, but why are you so sure?
Trump: Because I am going to be returning to the White House soon to assume my proper place as leader of this great nation. The outrage of the people is growing and the momentum will soon be unstoppable.
Caddie: Civil War?
Trump: Whatever it takes.
Caddie: Wow. This would be like the greatest mulligan ever.
Trump: Watch that. You know I don’t take mulligans. But now that I think about it, it’s like I hit a perfect shot and then some idiot stole my ball that was just a few feet from the cup; and I have every right to put that ball exactly where it belongs.
Caddie: If Frank Capra was still alive he could make a new film called: “Trump Takes a Mulligan.”
Trump: Love it! Love it! Love it!
Caddie: Where are you going, my lord?
Trump: After my speech in Georgia, I am pumped. Did you hear it?
Caddie: Wouldn’t miss it.
Trump: Did you hear the crowd go crazy when I said: “They want to go after me because I have, they think, a big mouth. I don’t have a big mouth, you know what I have, I have a mouth that tells the truth.”
Caddie: Crowd went wild. Gave me goosebumps. You are a truth teller if there ever was a truth teller.
Trump: Nothing but the truth.
Caddie: But where are you going, my lord?
Trump: I think I’ll get a tour bus and go around the country. How about this for a slogan: Trump Takes Back America with The Greatest Mulligan Ever!
Caddie: Amen! Lord, can I drive?