TeleTuberville

Even if you weren’t a parent of a young child during the late 90’s, early 2000’s, it was hard to avoid Teletubbies. Those soft round humanoids of toddler-like proportions, with smiling faces,  antennas on their heads, tummy-mounted silver television screens, and  infectious waddles were a cultural phenomena. There was Tinky Winky, predominantly purple; Po, red; Laa-Laa, yellow; and Dipsy, green. They were sweetness personified and toddlers loved them

Not surprisingly, the religious right, led by the televangelist Jerry Falwell decided that Tinky Winky was gay and warned parents that the character was a bad role model for children. Falwell cited Tinky Winky’s color (fast forward to Tucker Carlson’s attack on the purple M&M?), his triangle-shaped antenna, and his attachment to his red purse, or “magic bag,” as subtle and intentional representations of his sexual orientation. 

Spotlight on Tommy Tuberville, the Alabama, Trump loving senator. You might be wondering where I am going with this? 

In an interview published this week by Birmingham-based radio station WBHM, Tuberville criticized the state of the military and said Democrats were to blame.

“We are losing in the military — so fast — our readiness in terms of recruitment,” said Tuberville, a member of the Armed Services Committee. “And why? I can tell you why. Because the Democrats are attacking our military, saying we need to get out the white extremists, the white nationalists.”

Asked whether he believed white nationalists should be allowed in the military, Tuberville said: “They call them that. I call them Americans.”

Rumor has it that after the interview Tuberville turned to a staff person and started ranting. The military was turning into a bunch of soft, are you feeling ok?, rolly polly teletubbies. It was a disgrace. When his kids were little he would never let them watch that crap. I’m a football coach. I like it when people want to take the opponent’s head off. Hit’em, hit’em hard and make sure they remember who hit them, so the next time they see you they are scared to death. And I remember Jerry Falwell warning us about that purple TeleTubbie, that it was gay. I’m a damn football coach. We don’t do gay in football. Frankly, we shouldn’t do gay in America. For my money, I wish the military was made up of “White Nationalists,” who are some of our great Americans. These are the guys I want defending us, whether it’s abroad or in our backyards. As far as I am concerned, the more guns they have the better because when those left wing commies act up, well…I am football coach, God damnit.

His staffer, a real MAGA kind of guy, listened intently and floated an idea. “Hey Tommy, why don’t you create a new set of Teletubbies and make them reflect the true America? And they can live in a land called Tubberville?

“Incredible man. What an incredible idea. And think how much money we can make. A TV show and merchandising alone will make millions. “Sure will,” said his aide. Cancel all my meetings for the day and let’s have a brainstorming session. This is going to be huge. 

“Yeah, Tommy, it might even elevate you to the highest office in 2028!” 

“Hey look. I ran an elite college football team. Nothing can prepare you for the presidency more than that. The war strategy involved alone gives you the creds.

“Absolutely, Tommy. So who are the TeleTuberville characters?

“First and foremost is MAGA man himself, Trump.”

“Absolutely.”

Tommy, that statement he made during his recorded  deposition before that witch hunt sexual assault trial was amazing. Told it like it was and still is!

“When that awful woman’s attorney asked him about what he said during that tape.”

“You mean when he said when you’re famous you can grab women’s private parts?” 

“Exactly, Tommy.” 

“I missed that. What did he say?”

“Well, historically, that’s true with stars. When she pressed him. Well, that’s what — if you look over the last million years, I guess that’s been largely true.” Not always, but largely true. Unfortunately or fortunately.”

“Got to love that guy. The honesty.” I can tell you stories about some of my football players and things they did that would blow your mind.

I bet you could. And so many came to Trump’s defense.

Senator Marco Rubio told a reporter, “That jury’s a joke.” Senator Lindsey Graham said he questioned “the whole process” and told Punchbowl News, “I think you could convict Donald Trump of kidnapping Lindbergh’s baby.”

Lindberg’s baby. That Graham. He is hysterical. And he does outrage so well.

Maybe we should make him a character. 

“Not a bad idea?

And Tommy, your comment, after he was railroaded and convicted that “it makes me want to vote for him twice,” was truly inspiring. 

So who else should we have as our four TeleTurbies?”

“How about Clarence Thomas? After all, they can’t scream ‘White Supremacist” if we have Clarence. 

“Clever. Very clever.” And how about for our fourth we have a soldier who is a real American. Maybe a Proud Boy in army gear?

‘That’s it.” Trump, Graham, Clarence and the wrongly convicted Enriquo Tarrio.”

And we should have a theme park. People can live out their Christian white Nationalist fantasies. There should a place to bring your kids to ban books. Shooting ranges everywhere. An obstacle course that recreates army basic training. and what about a biology center that makes it clear that sex should only happy between a man and women. And maybe after DeSantis brings Disney down we can get the lease on the space and open an actual TeleTuberville?

Now that’s genius Tommy. True Americans will come from all over to have their kids meet all the cool characters. The hell with that sissy Mickey Mouse. I’ll take a Proud Boy any day.