Duh?Santis

Ron DeSatanist, the would-be dethroner of The Don, finally threw his hat into the ring of fire and declared himself a presidential candidate for the Republican Party. The results were frankly, duh?

The man who is known for his stiff, robotic style chose to announce his candidacy on an aural Twitter channel and have Elon Musk broker it. Two relatively disconnected humans interfacing on a social media platform. What could go wrong?

What followed was a Duh?saster for Duh?Satanist, as the site experienced connection interruptus.

Hello? Hello? Anybody out there? I’m announcing I’m running for president…Hello? Helllllo? Do you hear me?

We’ve all had the experience of  speaking to someone and suddenly realizing there is no one on the other side. Damn those cell towers. But it’s one thing to be talking to your partner and get dropped in the middle of asking, “Oh, and can you pick up some…hello, are you there?”, and being dropped when you are announcing you are running for president. The event was the equivalent of having your pants fall down while standing in line to pay for groceries. Is that someone you want to invite to your house?

During the debacle, a voice cut in, then two (Elon’s?) only to disappear again. “We got so many people here that we are kind of melting the servers,” said David Sacks, the nominal moderator, “which is a good sign.” Oh, the old melting-the-server excuse.

Of course, this wasn’t true. The fact is that the site was known to be a bit funky and problematic and it just funked out. I think the only one who was melting down was Duh?Satanist who was probably screaming and throwing the nearest object he could get his hands on (hopefully it wasn’t one of his children!) I could imagine him yelling: “When I become president I’m going to ban Twitter just like I banned CRT and all those books.” I don’t give a shit who Elon Musk is.”

And for what must have seemed an endless 25 minutes, the only voice not heard was Duh?Satanist’s.

At one point, there was some music piped in to fill the silence. You all know what that is like: “We value you as a customer and the next representative will be with you shortly,” followed by elevator music. Rumor has it that the void in this case was initially filled with “Try a Little Tenderness,” by Otis Redding, which made Duh?Satanist gag. Furious, he insisted they replace it with The Rolling Stones song “Under My Thumb“.

Meanwhile over at Truth Social, The Don was cackling like a hyena at Duh?Satanist’s misfortunes posting: “My Red Button is bigger, better, stronger, and is working.” As the debacle unfolded he offered: “Wow! The DeSanctus TWITTER launch is a DISASTER! His whole campaign will be a disaster. WATCH!”

Rumor has it that he and his cronies were hooting and backslapping casting aspersions: “DeInvisible Man,” yelled someone. “DeWho?” belted another. “DeWhatYouSay?” barked a third. 

Eventually, Duh?Satanist got his air time and the autocrat in him was front and center. It was chilling.

He cited his talent for using governmental power for conservative ends. He said he had studied the “different leverage points under Article 2” of the Constitution (presidential power) and would put that knowledge to work if elected president. On Fox News, he repeated his plans to use Article 2 to remake the government. Translation: America will become Florida!

In his interview on Fox News, he portrayed the F.B.I. as one of many federal agencies run amok, and said he would exert much stronger control over the entire Justice Department. He rejected the notion that presidents should view these agencies as independent. Translation: He would use the D.O.J as his personal wrecking ball and take on anything and anyone who opposes him.

His comments on education were equally concerning. “Some of the problems with the university and the ideological capture — that didn’t happen by accident, you can trace back all the way to the accreditation cartels.”

“Accreditation cartels?” Translation: liberal institutions perverting the minds of college students. Given his pride in saying that Florida is where “woke comes to die,” we can look forward to required reading of the bible in universities around America. And that ain’t no joke! When it comes Duh?Satanist’s desire to unravel civil liberties, the devil is everywhere.