What Did You Do Last Week?

The madness keeps coming. Elon Musk’s attempt to dismantle the Federal workforce keeps humming along, if you call swinging a power saw around  on stage as “humming.” Musk did receive blowback from agency directors, who advised their employees not to respond to Musk’s emails, requesting employees to justify their jobs.  Not to be deterred, Elon changed his talking point. He just wants to make sure dead people are not receiving benefits. Musk is just a concerned American, a protector of our tax dollars. He just wants to make sure dead people are not receiving benefits.

Here’s Musk: 

“What we are trying to get to the bottom of is, we think there are a number of people on the government payroll who are dead, which is probably why they can’t respond. So, we’re just literally trying to figure out are these people real, are they alive, and can they write an email, which I think is a reasonable expectation.” 

He actually said that during a full cabinet meeting and people clapped. Rumor has it that the cabinet members, under the direction of the president, chanted, “Go Elon go. Find those dead people that no one knows.”

After all, what kind of country would want to pay dead people salaries? I mean really that’s some stupid shit. But you know what’s really stupid (and scary) shit? Someone with his power asking a question like that. Elon, how many dead people do you really think are out there getting checks from the government? For a guy who wants to build a colony on Mars you think that’s a winning argument? I might think twice about getting on those rockets.

And what’s up with the dead people thing? First there is The Don and his cronies screaming that dead people are voting and stealing elections; now there are dead people stealing money from the taxpayers that must be rooted out. 

Musk claimed that as many as 10 million people aged over 120 were collecting benefits. Maybe we should send them emails? (oh but wait, most probably don’t know how to use a computer); so maybe letters by mail (but oh wait, soon there won’t be a postal service if The Don has his way), so hurry up on that thing before some of them die.

Are these 120 year olds alive, or are they dead 120 year olds? I can’t believe I had to ask that question. What’s even funnier is that  A report written by the SSA’s inspector general in 2023 found that 98 percent of those aged 100 or older in the Social Security databases are not in receipt of any benefits. Here’s Musk’s thoughts about dead people collecting money:

Elon, let me ask you a simple question: if your goal is to weed people out based on whether they are dead or not, I suggest a much more simple approach. Why don’t you ask people-like they do when they ask if you are a robot to check a box that simply says: “Alive.” It would make life so much easier for you. You wouldn’t have to read through all the boring crap people will put in those five bullet points. Really dumb stuff like:

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration: Researching climate change.

The Veteran’s Administration: Working the crisis hotline at the V.A to save lives.

U.S.A.I.D.: Feeding people all over the world who will starve to death without our help. Working on malaria prevention, polio vaccine initiatives, tuberculosis treatments, Ebola surveillance.

USDA: Feeding poor in the U.S.

F.B.I.: Protecting our citizens from terrorism.

I have a thought. Maybe we should have you, now that you are running our country, tell us what you are doing. Only fair, right?

Hey J.D. Vance, what have you been doing last week? “Oh, I went total animal on that fool Zelensky. It was so cool. We set him up. Wasn’t he a complete asshole? Disrespectful. The idiot expected that with our extortion of their minerals we would guarantee to protect Ukraine. He should just suck it up and let Russia get what it needs. And oh yeah, I hung out with the leader of the ultra-right nationalist leader of the ADF party in Germany. I’m just a fuckin bad-ass. I personally threw Europe into a crisis. Who gets to do that kind of shit!

RFK Jr. what did you do last week? I tried to assure the American people that the worst measles outbreak in years was no biggie. 

Hey Tulsi Gabbard, what did you do this week? I am looking at our intelligence information and hoping to meet with the Kremlin soon.

Hey Kash Patel, what did you do last week? I working on who I am going to fire in the F.B.I. But my favorite thing is adding names to the enemies list. Heads are going to roll. It’s going to be like the Roman Colosseum.

Hey Don, what did you do this week? Well, I created a new reality show called: “How to Humiliate a Foreign Leader in Public.” The ratings were great! I bet they will be much better than the dumb Oscars. Amazon is interested. All I have to do is call up my buddy Jeff Bezos to finalize the deal. Just love Jeff. Love to see him kissing the ring. Next week we’ll be featuring Trudeau of Canada Speaking of the Oscars, wasn’t J.D. fabulous? It did take him a while to learn his lines. Weird. Such a smart guy, but he did get that chest thrusting attitude thing right, after all, he has the best of the best instructing him. Still needs work on the famous chin jut.

Umm, what else did I do? Played a lot of rounds of golf.

Still working on making Trans people invisible and making sure that the good White men of America are getting those jobs.

Can you believe it? People are whining about me killing people all over the world by canceling thousands of contracts funding malaria prevention, polio vaccine initiatives, tuberculosis treatments, and this Ebola nonsense. Frankly, that’s a bold-faced lie. I’m the most compassionate person you’ve ever met.  And wow, is this cool or what? 

I did so much just last night. I spent time thinking about ending the problem with the price of eggs by making a statement that because of Bird Flu eggs are cancelled. Isn’t that smart? No eggs. People will save money and they won’t bother me anymore about bringing prices down. to take a Let them eat “Egg Replacer!”