Before I begin, I want to toot my own horn. This is the 400th piece published since I started in the winter of 2015 when The Don became a candidate for president. I began this bizarre journey as a lark, never expecting The Don to win, but very wary about the damage he could do if he did. I don’t want to tell you “I told you so”, but I did. If you have noticed, I have never used the president’s actual name in the blog; he has been referred to as The Don because he is at heart a wannabe Mafia boss. (The pieces about The Don’s first term in office appeared in omfgtrumpblog.com, so if you want a trip down memory lane of his first term, please take a look.)
After Biden won, I thought I would hang up my spikes, but after a few months, I decided to jump back in the fray, as despite the hope for reversing the damage of The Don’s presidency, he still remained a powerful figure in the party and the Republican Party’s malevolent antics nauseated me. Thus the second and current blog grandoffalparty.com came into being.
I write this blog for a number of reasons. I feel we are living through a period of history that was hard to imagine. After all, we elected Barack Obama as president twice. It seemed to augur a new tolerance and pathway forward in our country’s attempt to be guided by what Lincoln called “our better angels.” What we found, in the election of The Don, was the activation of America’s dark side. This was not a new thing for us as a nation, but The Don was able to rally millions of people by connecting them to their lizard brains where resentment, revenge and retribution reside. It blows the mind how much havoc and destruction one very disturbed man with power, who is propelled by what the delusional grandiosity, lack of empathy, and a malignant heart can create. The devil inside him connected millions of people to their worst selves.
The blog is also a sort of therapy for me. It allows me to take all the crazy I absorb and provides an outlet. So far, I haven’t lost my mind. I try to bring some levity to the darkness of what is going by leaning in to the absurdities, but I must admit, that The Don’s second term has made that a bit more challenging; but as long as he is in charge, I will carry on.
Also, a bigly shoutout to my photo wizard Jin who has accompanied me through this journey. Though I create the ideas for the photos, the final product often leads me to believe that she is the real star of this show.
And thank you to all my readers from all over the world.
Every once in a while I like to take a shot at what The Don calls the weave, so here goes. But first, for your pleasure, I am including a clip from a famous bit first aired in 1938 by the wonderful comedic team of Abbott and Costello called “Who’s on First.” It perfectly reflects the experience we have had trying to understand what is going on in Iran.
Hello America. This is your fearless leader coming live to you from my beautiful golf course in Florida. Can you believe it, I just got a hole-in-one on the 7th hole. Still got game…the stroke, the skills. I am just like our great military hitting their targets with such precision. Really, aren’t they amazing? And a shout-out to our great Pete Hegseth. Guy’s a total animal.
Hey caddy, can you bring me some water? You know being out here in the Florida sun can parch your throat. Sort of what it must be like to be a soldier in the deserts of the Middle East. So maybe we don’t send our soldiers there. Well, maybe we do. And don’t worry, if we do, they will have plenty of water. Good water, not that awful desalination crap. How lame are these people that they have to convert salt water into drinking water. And caddy, can you bring me the plans of the magnificent ballroom? I need to show the American people how I am making America great by building the grandest ballroom in the world. I can’t go anywhere without the plans. I even take them to the bathroom- you know where all those documents were that they claimed I wasn’t entitled to? I could have made some great deals with them. Oh, the glory of those Corinthian columns, they give me goosebumps and I don’t easily get goosebumps.
Oh yeah, back to the war. You know me, I like to keep ’em guessing. Am I sending in troops, or not? I’m screwing with those crazy religious fanatic’s minds. Look, we killed all their leaders. The top ones, and some of the not top ones and probably the bottom ones, too. They are dead. Dead. But we are in negotiations with a new regime. If you ask me who they are I can’t tell you, but they are new, and they seem to like me.
I was thinking of having Iran build a golf course with my name on it. It’s actually in the 15 point surrender document we sent, but at this point, we’ve destroyed so much there probably isn’t any land left to build it. That’s a shame. Really a shame. If only I knew who the new leader of the new regime is. It could be anybody, really. But wouldn’t it be great to play 18 holes with that person? Wouldn’t it be wild? Me and some towel-head hitting the links together. Now that’s world peace for you.
Everyone is so concerned about the price of gas. Trust me, everything will be back to normal soon just like it was when Covid came to the country. I told you it would go away, not to worry. Everyone is like: What about the Strait of Hormuz? Enough about Hormuz. We don’t need their oil. You know who needs it? China needs it. Japan needs it. Europe needs it. And as far as Europe goes, they are in trouble, deep trouble. They are going to have to figure out how to show some guts and take back that Hormuz thing; or maybe they should just buy it from us. They are desperate, so we could charge them a lot, a real lot. That’s what they deserve for not helping us out. NATO, Shmato, total losers. They are going to regret the day they turned their backs on me. Who knows, maybe I attacked Iran so that everyone would have to buy their oil from us. America First baby. Well, I didn’t do it for that reason, but now that I think of it, it would have been a great reason. Even better: let’s take the damn oil. It would be a bonanza for the whole world. We were so stupid not to take the oil when we were in Iraq. We have Venezuela’s oil and Iran’s too? I’m king of the world, baby.
And I need to be clear about something: Israel didn’t influence my decision, though Bibi is one of my besties and he really wanted it. He has been dreaming of this forever.
Another thing. The idea that we could remove the nuclear material is a joke. I mean we should do it, but that means I would have to be engaged in this little journey for a longer time, and that would make it a longer journey. Frankly, I’m kind of bored with the war. It was supposed to be another Venezuela. Turns out those Iranians are some pesky SOB’s. Who knew they would have the nerve to shut down the Hormuz. I thought I would be remembered as the man who changed the Middle East. I mean that’s what Bibi said. And no, he had no influence on me. None. NADA. Zip. And I want to wish him a great Passover. Crazy story with the killing of the first son and all that blood on the doors from slaughtering lambs. It makes what I am doing in Iran child’s play. Just love, love, love Charlton Heston as Moses. I mean he is a badass like me, but I must say, I was disappointed when he got angry when saw the Jews worshipping a golden calf. I remember watching and thinking that for a really smart guy that was a dumb move. After all, you can have God and gold, too. After all, the Jews do like their money No wonder he wasn’t allowed into the Promised land.
But America, you can trust me. We will only be doing this little thing in Iran for a few more weeks. Once we finish, I can get back to the business of making America great. You know, getting rid of birthright citizenship, ending mail-in voting, deregulating environmental protections, going after all my enemies-good riddance to my dear friend Pam Bondi, not up to the task, so I trashed her. My next A.G. is going to be animal, like Hegseth. An animal.
I almost finished ridding the word “woke” from American consciousness, having our great masked men and women of ICE rip people away from their families. And isn’t that Artemis II thing something? Even with all the cuts to science and research I made, it’s still growing strong. And I have put NASA on notice that when the next visit the moon takes off that a flag with my name be placed immediately upon its arrival. I also told them that I have dibs to build the first hotel on the moon.
Let me end by making one thing perfectly clear about our little excursion into Iran. If after a few weeks, when our mission is over, the Iranians don’t make a deal with us, I will destroy their electrical grids and oil refineries and return Iran to the Stone age. And I’m talking about The Flinstones kind of Stone Age. As they say in the bible: I will smite them. Hey caddy, can I have some more water?
The Grand Offal Party 