The Delta Express

We need to be real. Covid cases have increased by 70% over the last week. The largest increases in cases and hospitalizations are in the states with the lowest vaccination rates. In Arkansas, less than 40% of the population is vaccinated and the hospitals are swelling up and people are dying. The Delta virus is gaining steam. 

We find ourselves in a very fragile moment. Despite our wishing otherwise, we are still in a pandemic! More people will get sick and die, unnecessarily, because they refuse to get vaccinated.

The joy and excitement of opening things up, is being confronted with the stark reality of a virus that cares for nothing but its own survival. 

If the virus had consciousness it would be laughing at us. 

Here is my take on its thought process:

Are these people dumb, or what? They whipped out this vaccine in record time (which was very depressing to us), but so many of them refused to get the shot. We never dreamed that we would have so many supporting our proliferation. We keep looking at each other, pinching each other, wondering if it’s a dream. It’s like being the visiting team and having the crowd root for us; makes no sense, but we’ll  take it.

We need to do some shout-outs. Missouri, we love you. We are moving into your neighborhoods with the rapaciousness of gentrification. Instead of seeing NIMBY signs, we see welcome to Springfield, Missouri. Your evil president tried to lend a helping hand by suggesting door-to-door vaccine promotion but was met with this response by one of our favorite Governors, Mr. Parson: “I have directed our health department to let the federal government know that sending government employees or agents door-to-door to compel vaccination would NOT be an effective OR a welcome strategy in Missouri!”

A shout out to Florida and its governor Ron De-Satanist (It’s not every day that you have the devil on your side!) for letting us bask in the beautiful Florida sunshine. You are leading the way with the most new cases. Our Brothers and Sisters of the Virulent Order applaud you.

And where would we be without Fox News? In our gatherings of Our Brothers and Sisters of the Virulent Order, we bow to you. We have erected a statue of Tucker Carlson, who is to us, what Jesus is to some of your people. Tucker, We are not worthy of your devotion to us.

And Tucker you have such wonderful apostles. Brian Kilmeade continues our crusade railing against that evil Biden guy who wants to get people vaccinated. It’s so cool that you said: “It’s unbelievable how offensive this admin is getting with a pandemic that is clearly on the run … This administration is panicking and they are infiltrating our lives.” 

Brian we are certainly on the run. Running right into the lungs of your unvaccinated. We just love the American spirit of freedom. No one should “infiltrate” your lives, except us of course. So thank you Brian. We will say a special prayer for you.

Republicans lawmakers, you are the best! We love your cynicism and duplicity. All of you are vaccinated, but most of you barely say a word about other people getting vaccinated. You have managed to make it anti-American to get the shot. Seems backwards to us, but hey, we’ll take it.

We have a few favorites. 

Shout out to Marjorie Taylor Greene who continues to talk about this holocaust and Nazi stuff. Not being students of history (We are just about living in the moment.) we surmise that a lot of people died rather gruesomely, which is right up our alley. We hear that it was humans killing humans? Man that is some fucked up shit. No vaccination for that! Ha! Ha!.

You called people from the government “medical brown shirts,” who we surmise were the humans that helped kill all the other humans. And please, keep on keepin’ on telling the world that vaccines were just “a political tool used to control people.”

And hail to Lauren Bobbet, who also seems obsessed with these Nazis and said that evil Biden guy “has deployed his Needle Nazis to Mesa County.”

This Biden is evil. He is our nemesis and we appreciate you and so many others fighting the good fight and speaking truth to power. 

We also heard this evil Biden guy say that something called Facebook was “killing people,” by allowing information on its platform that scares people into avoiding the vaccine. We don’t know what a “Zuckerberg” is, but we love it.

And last and definitely not least, we want to thank the real president of this great country, Mr. Trump, for not paying any attention to us and telling people that we would be gone shortly. How can we ever repay you? We must admit we were very excited when one of us infiltrated your lungs and almost took you away.  But then we were like, “No, no, no; he can’t die because he was so much more valuable alive then dead”. We needed you to convince people not to wear masks and not take us so seriously.  We are rooting for you to assume your proper place in the White House sometime in August. Then we will have a true champion of Nazism and who knows how many more of your followers  will become our victims.