I Call Bullshit

The January 6th commission has provided riveting hearings. Here are my takeaways so far.

Practically every person who worked with The Don, including his loyal and smarmy Attorney General, William, Lower the Bar(r), told him he lost the election. One noticeable exception was the town drunk, Rudy G., who according to some, sided with the president’s delusion that he won.

Rumor has it that Rudy has taken to the bottle ever since the Four Seasons Landscape press conference debacle. It was during this bizarre event, when he had his Dracula moment and black make-up oozed down the side of his face, that The Don was certain that all the naysayers were wrong. Rumor has it that The Don, who was watching, turned to Mark Meadows and said: “Anyone who would humiliate themselves like that on national TV to defend me must know what they are talking about. And did you see the way he terrorized those two black poll workers in Georgia who were doing shady things with ballots. Rudy accused them two of engaging in ‘surreptitious, illegal behavior’ and accused them of ‘passing around USB ports as if they are vials of heroin or cocaine.'” That’s my Rudy.

But let’s return to William, Lower the Barr. After supporting and abetting The Don through all his transgressions, Barr finally had enough on December 2nd, 2020. Here is some of what he had to say:

Barr told The Don his insistence that the election was stolen was “crazy stuff” and “bullshit” and that he was  doing “a great, great disservice to the country.”

Here is Barr again: “There was never an indication of interest in what the actual facts were.” “If he really believes this stuff he has become detached from reality.”

When Barr insisted there was no systemic fraud in the election, Trump had a tantrum: “This is, you know, killing me…You must have said this because you hate Trump. You hate Trump.”

Thanks, William, it took an attempt to overthrow the government to get you to finally stand up to The Don. So Barr is a hero, right? Umm, not so fast. In his book, he states that he wouldn’t support The Don’s candidacy in the Republican primary, but if he won, he would vote for him. Now that’s some bullshit! (I vote for bringing in the town drunk Rudy G. to upchuck all over Barr to show my disdain. Anyone else out there want to see that?) 

Speaking of bullshit, Congressman, Rusty Bowers, of Arizona gave moving testimony regarding The Don’s attempt to support his false allegations of fraud and how he stood tall against the pressure. He took an oath to defend the constitution and the constitution was actually a “divine” document. He could never take an action that would belie his need to defend it. Now that’s some moving testimony from someone with a clear sense of ethics and morality, right? Actually, it’s bullshit because ole Rusty declared he would vote for The Don again in 2024. Since he went all divine on us, that’s like saying he rebuked the devil but would gladly have him back. That’s some Bowery bullshit!

We also learned that the great scam artist-the man who created a bogus university and had to pay 25 million in a lawsuit to the defrauded- raised $255.4 million in the eight weeks following the election as he sought to undermine and overturn the results with unfounded accusations of fraud. Impressed with his haul, the Don was rumored to have said: God, are these people suckers or what? If I had known how easy it was to take their money I would have run for president years ago.”

And then we have The Don’s pressuring of Mike Pence, who decided to thwart the Don’s attempt to bully him into rejecting some of the states’ electors so they could be replaced with fake electors who supported him. 

And if anyone had any doubt that the Don tried to do this, he made it clear in a speech as recently as last Friday in Nashville when he said: “I said to Mike, ‘If you do this, you can be Thomas Jefferson.’ And then, after it all went down, I looked at him one day and said, ‘I hate to say this, but you’re no Thomas Jefferson.’” Nope Pence is no Thomas Jefferson, but do you realize you just further incriminated yourself?

So Mike Pence is a hero, right? Umm, not so fast. Over and over, Pence asked if there was anything he could do, even though he knew that his entire function was to do nothing but count the electoral votes. He even sought counsel from his fellow Hoosier and former Vice President Dan Qualye.  

Here’s my take on their conversation.

P: Hey Dan, Mike Pence here.

Q: Who?

P: Ha! You always had a wicked sense of humor, but this is a serious call.

Q: Oh Mike Pence, the guy who calls his wife ‘mother’?

P: Come on Dan, I need your counsel.

Q: You need my help? About what?

P: Well, you were once Vice President.

Q: I was?

P: Well, you were kind of invisible, but you were.

Q: I may have been invisible but I was so much more good looking than you; at least I wasn’t a boot-licking sycophant, doing the bidding of a man trying to destroy our democracy.

P: That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?

Q: Umm, well ask me your question, and I’ll let you know if it is too harsh.

P: Well you see Dan, The president believes the election was stolen, and he has been robbed of his right to serve a second term. And he wants me to do something?

Q: Yeah. And?

P: He wants me to accept alternate electors that would declare him the winner in some battleground states; or if not outright accept these electors and their votes, not count the votes on the 6th because of the presence of two different sets of electors. Sounds fishy to me, but Dan, Is there any way I can do that? The president is really pushing me on this.

Quayle: (Actual words) “Mike, you have no flexibility on this. None. Zero. Forget it. Put it away.” 

P: “You don’t know the position I’m in.”

Q: “I do know the position you’re in. I also know what the law is. You listen to the parliamentarian. That’s all you do. You have no power.”

P:  (Back to imagined dialogue) But the president is going to kill me.

Q: Oh Mike. What do you think he is going to do? Hang you in the town square? 

P: But Dan. You sure there is no way…

Q: Absolutely not! Pence, the P in your name should stand for Pathetic. And as far as you thinking me harsh regarding calling you a boot-licking sycophant, doing the bidding of a man trying to destroy our democracy, I don’t think that goes far enough. Frankly Mr. Pathetic, if you don’t do your duty as vice president, I’ll find you and hang you myself!

P: Okay, Dan. Okay. And what’s with this hanging stuff. He would never do that to me, would he? Dan, you there. Dan, Dan, Dan.  You wouldn’t have me hung, would you?

So was Mike Pence a hero? I call bullshit!