Mr. Bigly’s Red Card

This piece is for Sarah Landew, a friend and Brit, who never stops believing in England winning the world cup. Sarah, may the foot be with you, and this year be your year.

The men’s soccer team’s exuberant ride ended with a thud. Sloppy play and a superior opponent ended their Cinderella journey. Even reinstating Folarin Balogun to play, after The Don intervened with FIFA, couldn’t help. 

Now that the U.S. is out of the competition, The Don’s interference will be a blemish on what the Americans actually achieved-just one more stain on America in the world arena. Everything The Don does seems to lower the world’s opinion of us. 

The Don’s ability to get FIFA president Infantino to change the red card ruling allowing Balogun to play created shock waves in the international soccer community. I disagreed with the call that led to the red card, but there are rules and protocols. The Don does not live within that world, so it is not surprising he asked FIFA to bend them.

We will never really know what went down on the phone call between The Don and Infantino, but, I for one, am not believing anything they say about it. 

Infantino is known to preside over a deeply corrupted organization. When two highly corrupted individuals negotiate expect more corruption. If you recall, after The Don’s delusional hopes of receiving the Nobel Peace Prize were dashed, Infantino created a FIFA Peace Prize just for him. That’s like your team losing and your dad going to the dollar store and buying you a trophy to show you how special you are. One day we may find out what that conversation that invalidated the red card was about, but for now we can only imagine it.

The Don: Infant baby. How ya doing?

Infantino: Donald, it’s pronounced: IN Fon tino.

The Don: Don’t be such an infant, Gianni. I can’t help it. How did a man with that name get to be powerful at anything? Look at my name. Trump. Trump, trumps. Infants whimper. What else can I say? You gotta laugh. Here’s a good headline: “Trump Looms Tall Over Infant.” Too funny.

Infantino: So you want to talk about the red card I presume.

The Don: You read my mind.

Infantino: Not too difficult to do, even for an infant.

The Don: So you agree?

Infantino: Agree about what?

The Don: That you are an infant? You said, even for an infant.

Infantino: So the red card.

The Don: Yes, the red card…Wait, wait. Just realized something. Your first name, Gianni, sounds like Giant, that makes you a giant infant. Your parents must have really hated you.

Infantino: The red card.

The Don: BTW,  I fucking hate the peace prize you gave me. Every time I look at it it reminds me that I didn’t get the real one. Maybe if those shitheads in Stockholm had honored me I wouldn’t have started the war in Iran.

Infantino: Donald, sorry you feel that way. I’m still happy with the insider information you gave me on the crypto thing.

The Don: You should be as I told you when to sell. We made out like bandits. And those suckers who bought the meme coin lost a lot of moola. 

Infantino: I heard almost four billion?

The Don: Them’s the breaks. And the funny part is that all those losers still love me…You owe me Infant.

Infantino: Owe you?

The Don: You know that call was terrible. Those two warriors were just going after the ball. No red card for that. No way. It’s insulting to Americans and on our home turf? Some suggest that that referee is anti-American. I wouldn’t have expected that from an Australian but these days they are cozying up to China. There are rumors that China gave them a sweetheart trade deal in exchange for the red card.

Infantino: Don, really?

The Don: Just saying…People are talking…So we need to give the boot to the red card. Hear what I’m saying.

Infantino: But there are rules…

The Don: You and I are so past “rules,” so get over it, Infant. Stop whimpering. Just do what you gotta do. I’ll throw in a little partnership in the new Tungsten mining business my boys are involved in to sweeten the deal. So what…

Infantino: Deal, but people all over the world will be angry with America. I’m going to take a lot of heat.

The Don: Since when do I give a shit about what the rest of the world thinks? Nothing some cool cash can’t do to make it more tolerable. And Infant, the next time Sweden plays I expected a few red cards. 

Infantino: Haha! Goodbye, Donald

It dawned on me that in all this discussion of the red card that The Don is a living manifestation of one. 

What do you have to do to get a red card? 

• Violent Conduct: Punching, kicking, striking, or deliberately using excessive, dangerous force against an opponent or official. Starting a war with Iran? 
• Serious Foul Play: Executing a reckless or dangerous tackle that puts the safety of an opponent at risk. Blowing up boats in the Caribbean?
• Denying an Obvious Goal-Scoring Opportunity (DOGSO): Committing a deliberate foul or an intentional handball to prevent an opponent from scoring a clear goal. Grabbing  immigrants off the streets, some who are U.S. citizens, and depriving them of their opportunity to live freely in our democracy?
• Spitting: Spitting at an opponent, referee, or any other person. The Don figuratively spits on anyone who tries to thwart him, be that world leaders, U.S. citizens, media companies.
• Abusive Language: Using offensive, insulting, or abusive language and gestures. The Don’s entire modus operandi is to give the middle finger to the world.