Mutant Ninja Pollsters

Anyone who entertained the delusion that the Republican party was going to pivot from The Don has been put on notice. Remember the Grim Reaper McConnell’s passionate speech after the Impeachment process, where he held The Don accountable for the January 6th insurrection, even though he exonerated him? Does he regret it now, as The Don’s stranglehold on the Grand Offal Party tightens? Let’s face it, when Liz Cheney becomes the public enemy #1 in the Republican party, we are into a whole new dimension of crazy. One wonders, if the mob had succeeded in lynching Mike Pence, if that would have been a bridge too far for Mitch and his cronies!

Speaking of Pence, he has finally surveyed the landscape and emerged from his bunker in Indiana. In his first public address since his escape from the noose, he managed to praise The Don. Rumor has it that his speech writers vetoed the following remarks: “I want to thank the president for the chance to be hung. It would have been an honor. Sitting at home with Mother these past months, I have come to think of the entire experience as akin to a religious awakening, the way Jesus did, after Judas abandon him.”

As Biden tries to bring the pandemic under control and help ordinary people with trivial things like not dying, jobs, protecting them from eviction from their homes, putting food on the table and addressing a silly thing like climate change, the Offals, lament the end of hamburgers and continue to propagate the anti-democratic screed that the election was illegitimate and stolen from The Don.

In homage to The Don, the Offals are setting up county fairs all over America to air their grievances about the stolen election. Instead of prizes for the best cow or beard, they are competing in contests like: “How far up the Don’s ass can you go?” It’s quite a sight seeing all the brown-faced Offals milling around (Don’t worry, they used cocoa powder instead of…). It got so crazy that the Proud Boys, who were patrolling the fair, accused some of the contestants of being people of color and chased them out of the fair. “But I’m your state senator,” one of them decried, running for his life. Hey Mr. Senator, welcome to being black and brown skinned in America!

So how do the Republicans plan on making sure there can be no more stolen elections? It’s a brilliant plan. It’s by making it more difficult for people who tend to vote Democratic from voting. Their motto: “Stop the steal by stealing!”.

stop the steal maga meme

The anti-democratic assault on voting rights is something the Republicans have been doing since the 60’s. The 1965 Voting Rights Act mitigated against this by giving the Federal government the ability to intervene in states with a history of voter suppression. Shamefully, the Supreme Court in 2014 in Shelby vs Holder gutted the Act. After all, we had a black president, so the need to have oversight over bad actors making it more difficult for black and brown people to vote seemed so silly. America had finally fulfilled its promise as a “Post-Racial” society. Talk about the “Big Lie!”

Cut to today to witness our “Post-Racial” world where worrying about voting rights is just an illusion, where state legislators have introduced 361 bills in 47 states this year that contain limitations around voting. The measures include things like enhanced power for poll monitors, fewer voting drop-boxes, restrictions on voting by mail, penalties for election officials who fail to purge voters from the rolls, and enhanced power in politicians over election procedures. Oh and my favorite: Disallowing volunteers from distributing water to people on line to vote.

Republican poll watchers will be wearing shirts that say: “Dehydrate the Bastards.”

maga protestor at polling place with black voters

Surprise, surprise, that Georgia, where the Democrats won two highly contested Senate seats and a Democratic presidential candidate won for the first time since 1992, was the first to lay down the gauntlet to protect us from the myth of voter fraud.

In Florida, Ron De Satanist just signed a similar bill, and Texas is working its way to the same.

But my favorite is Arizona. Not only is the state trying to pass legislation to suppress voting, but it is trying to re-litigate the presidential election by having another recount!

The Don is foaming at the mouth at the prospects of finally proving that he won the election. If Arizona returns to the fold, Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania will be next in line for recounts.

70% of registered Republicans believe that when the truth is discovered he will ascend to his proper position as president. People: this is how democracies die!

But let’s return to Arizona and the mysterious appearance of the “Cyber Ninjas,” a company that has no experience in elections, and whose CEO, Doug Logan, helped to spread “Stop the Steal” conspiracy theories in the run-up to the Capitol riot. The Ninjas are now in possession of Maricopa County’s ballots and voting equipment. Call me crazy, but it sounds like the proverbial fox in the henhouse!

And there is a spiritual mission as well. According to Logan: “As a Christian company, we also believe we have a responsibility to serve, as Christ served.” Did you know Christ was a liar and a cheat? Call me crazy, but I thought he was all about spreading the truth!

logan douglas of cyber ninjas with jesus christ arizona election

Ninja Auditors went to work and took to using UV lights to scan ballots for evidence of fraud. Election officials scratched their heads in disbelief wondering what the Ninjas believed they would discover by using UV light. Conspiracy theorists who follow QAnon and Stop the Steal, however, believe that UV light will reveal that the ballots contain secret watermarks and other markings that will separate the authentic from the fake. Rumor has it that The Don, provided the Ninja’s with the UV light devices leftover from those heady days when he pronounced UV light could zap the coronavirus dead in its tracks.

With the UV lights unable to bear fruit of the faulty ballot, the Ninjas turned their expertise to proving that some of the ballots were made from bamboo to determine whether or not China delivered tens of thousands of fraudulent ballots to tip the state to Joe Biden.

If the bamboo search leads nowhere, the Ninjas are prepared to search for wheat grains in the paper that Italy uses for pasta, bring in sniffing dogs to detect faint amount of Brie from France and curry from India.

One thing is for sure: America has lost its right to be the proctor any elections, anywhere! It has forfeited its place in the world as the defender of democracy.

Another thing isn’t for sure, but should be: The Democrats better figure out a way to get Joe Manchin to do away with the filibuster so HR-1 and the John Lewis Voting Rights Act can be made law. If they don’t, the chances of fair and free elections in this country will be no more.

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