Of Vampires, Werewolves, and Other Horrors

Before I begin, I want to applaud the senate for supporting the ‘Respect for Marriage Act’, that  protects the rights of citizens to marry whom they choose, and that their marriage recognized as legal under federal law.

Of course there were still 37 republican senators who opposed the bill, despite the fact that 71% of the country supports the right of every American to choose who they love. Not only does the bill protect gay marriage, but inter-racial marriage as well. Once again, the great defenders of freedom decided that marrying who you want doesn’t count as one of the most fundamental freedoms. In a head-scratching move, Mitch McConnell voted against it. Rumor has it that when someone raised the fact that he was married to an Asian woman, he said: “I don’t think of her that way.”

Let’s start with a few questions.

Now that the midterm elections have mostly been decided with the Republicans having a slim majority in the House, what can we expect?.

What will happen in the run-off senate race in Georgia? And will werewolves and vampires have an outsize influence?

Will the Republicans, who want The Don gone, really stand up to him or will they all fall in line when all is said and done?

For the past two years, Kevin McCarthy had a recurring dream in which a gavel kept floating into the frame and every time he tried to grab it a woman’s hand would whisk it away. Yes, that woman was Nancy Pelosi. And you would think that now that the Republicans have secured the majority in the House, he would stop waking up in a cold sweat from the torture of it all. But the dream continues; except in this version he has the gavel in his grasp but another woman holds a gun to his head and says: “If you want to keep hold of this thing, you do as I say or else this will be the last time you will ever touch.” Yes, that woman’s name is the White Supremacist extremist Marjorie Taylor Greene. Poor Kevin, all that time praying for the power of the gavel, only to bow down to another woman! Between your sycophancy to The Don and cowering to MTG, perhaps instead of calling you Speaker of the House, we should call you “The Great Supplicant of the House,” as your fear of The Don and MTG make you nothing but a water boy dressed in a suit.

So what will the Republicans do with the majority? From what I can tell, they will immediately disband the January 6th commission and go on a revenge tour to pay back Democrats for investigating The Don by investigating anyone with the name Biden. (Some say they have their sights on the Biden’s dog as well!)

They also have their eyes on Anthony Fauci. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the conspiracy theorists among them believe Fauci was responsible for unleashing the virus to derail The Don’s presidency.

Rumor has it that they are so primed to investigate that they have their eyes on a bathroom attendant. They claim he directs Democrats to bathroom stalls that have more cushy toilet paper. “We are tired of having to wipe our ass with the coarse paper, and we will get to the bottom of this, if it is the only thing I accomplish in Congress,” raged an anonymous lawmaker. Hold on, as it is definitely going to be a shit-show. 

Now to the senate race in Georgia. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for it to be over. Just yesterday I received 10 emails asking for money from the Warnock campaign. At one point, I received four desperate requests in an hour. That being said, despite the fact that the Democrats have control of the senate, this is a crucial seat for them. It gives them a bit more flexibility and opportunity to have the votes necessary to pass important legislation if Joe Manchin or Kristin Sinema don’t support important legislation. Republicans are terrified that the “Big Orange Loser,” will stay away from Georgia. I say come to Georgia Don, Herschel needs you!

If we had any reason to doubt that Herschel Walker’s candidacy and possible victory is a horror show, doubt no longer. Walker, who often has no idea what he believes or is talking about, found a reason to educate us on the powers of vampires and werewolves.

Choosing to rehash the plot of a film he said he recently watched, whose title he remembered as “Fright Night, Freak Night, or some type of night”, he said in rambling remarks: “I don’t know if you know, but vampires are some cool people, are they not? But let me tell you something that I found out: a werewolf can kill a vampire. Did you know that? I never knew that”. He continued: “I don’t want to be a vampire any more. I want to be a werewolf”.

No Herschel, I never knew that, but I’m thinking that if you win the election I hope you honor your newfound werewolf status and show up in the middle of the night when there is no activity in the senate.

Washington, D.C. (January 6, 2021) The Senior Official Performing the Duties of the Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security Ken Cuccinelli tours the U.S. Capitol to survey damage from violent protests earlier in the day.

Now to The Don. I must give credit where credit is due and tip my hat to the N.Y. Post. The Rupert Murdoch run paper, which was one of The Don’s greatest supporters, has been leading the way in taking him down. First we had the Humpty Dumpty Cover, and even more delicious was its page 26 article titled “Florida Man Makes Announcement,” after The Don declared he was running for president in 2024. That one must have really stung. Page 26! That’s where you see titles like “Florida Man Wrestles with Alligator and Loses Hand.”  Rumor has it that the Post is considering following up with an article, once again on page 26, titled: “Florida Man Who Made Announcement Loses His Shit About Page 26.”

Despite the fact that The Don is seen as a loser now and has lost some of his support in the party, he still has a dedicated base. Remember how all those Republicans, who excoriated The Don when he was a candidate, suddenly changed their minds when he won the primary? Remember McConnell and McCarthy’s speeches condemning his actions after the January 6th insurrection? That was it, we are through with him speeches? And how long was it before McCarthy was begging him for forgiveness at Mar-a-Lago? A week? As I have said before, The Don’s eulogy has been written many times, but like a vampire he stalks the night waiting for his opportunity to suck some blood. And the horror of it all is that he may very well win the primary, and it is very likely the naysayers will retreat from their dissent and will decide that having a Vampire in the White House isn’t so bad. My headline would read: “Soulless Sycophants Suck Up To Satan.” Now that is one hell of a horror movie, isn’t it Herschel? And sorry Herschel, but Satan beats a werewolf.

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