We Would Have Won

For any of you who think that the Grand Offal Party, after its recent midterm disappointment, has been humbled in any way or had a come-to-Jesus moment that “crazy” is out of favor, it’s time for a reality check. 

The January 6th coup attempt failed, but the thirst for another chance has never vanished. Many on the right are pissed about the failure to seize control of the government, and create a White Supremacist Christian government with The Don in the White House. 

According to Marjorie Taylor Greene, who was a featured speaker at the recent New York Young Republicans gala, if she and Steve Bannon had organized the Jan. 6 attack on Congress, “we would have won. Not to mention, it would’ve been armed.”

Who else graced the gala with their presence?

Well, there was Gavin Mario Wax, the leader of Young Republicans, who declared “total war on enemies of Republicans.” 

Peter Brimelow, the founder of the anti-immigration website VDare, who publishes writings by white nationalists. In 2018, he said: “My heart is with civic nationalism, but my head is with racial nationalism.” At a white nationalist conference in 2017, he said “Hispanics specialize in rape.” 

Also in attendance was Jack Prosobiac, a far-right commentator known for promoting the Pizzagate conspiracy that Hillary Clinton and Democratic elites were running a child sex-trafficking ring out of a Washington pizzeria.

Guests of honor included three Republicans who took districts from Democrats in last month’s midterm elections: George Santos of Long Island; Cory Mills of Florida; and Mike Collins of the northern exurbs of Atlanta.

Don Jr. was there to pump up the audience. And they even invited the disgraced Rudy G, who may be about to be disbarred from ever practicing law. But hey, it was for the cause, so we are proud of you Rudy.

And a special shout out to a foreign entourage of the Freedom Party of Austria, a far-right party founded by an SS officer in the aftermath of World War II as a political home for Austrian Nazis after the Nazi Party was banned. 

So where was The Don? So much love to bask in. Where was the gala’s very own Fuhrer. Rumor has it that the entourage from Austria was very disappointed that he didn’t make an appearance.  Well, it turns out that he was feverishly at work on a secret project.

Like Santa, he was working in his hideaway (you know the place where keeps the secret documents he’s yet to return?) on a secret holiday project that was going to reveal something so bigly that it would be life changing. The rumor mill was full throttle. Was he announcing that he was officially applying to change the home of the president to Mar-A-Lago based on a yet disclosed Twitter survey by Elon Musk that proved a majority of Americans supported this? Was he revealing that he had backers to create his monument at Mt. Rushmore? He was bringing back the Apprentice with a new twist, calling it the Apresidentice, where contestants present ingenious ways to overturn the rule of law? Or maybe he was going to define his presidential run more demonstrably by naming Marjorie Taylor Greene as his running mate? 

Instead, he announced the creation of his new line of NFT trading cards.

“America needs a superhero,” he pronounced. And there he is, our very own, twice-impeached, insurrectionist, White Supremacist, superhero Photoshopped as Superman. He is also a bad-ass sheriff, and a bunch of other hero-type characters.

And guess what? In just 12 hours, the 45,000 limited edition of his NFT cards sold out making him a cool 5 million dollars. Hey, let’s give the guy credit, he is one hell of a grifter. So why stop there Don. As W.C. Field said: “A sucker is born every minute.” Your true super power is getting people you actually disdain (poor, uneducated, white people) to believe you give a shit about them while you are actually shitting on them.  If you are looking for some new ideas for your next batch I have a few.

Also, I have a marketing idea for you. Announce their release on January 6th 2023 with: “We lost that battle, but we will win the war.”

Breaking News: The January 6th committee just referred The Don to the D.O.J for the following criminal charges: Obstruction of an official proceeding of the United States government, conspiring to defraud the U.S., making false statements to the federal government and inciting or engaging in an insurrection. 

I have another idea for a card.

Warning: If any of you believe this will finally be the straw that breaks the fever of the Republican base’s fealty to The Don and desire to undo democracy, don’t get too giddy. The Don will weaponize this as injustice and use his capacity for grievance politics to rally the troops. He may be injured but he’s got a lot of fight left in him. Now it is up to the justice department to indict and prosecute him. And even if they do, will a jury of 12 convict him, when only one juror needs to find him not guilty? 

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